Shapeshifting Inclinations

It has been a trying day.  Hunter had a seizure about 1:30 am and I spent most of the night up with him.   It was almost a year ago since his last one.  Then this afternoon when I got home from work he had another.  It was really hard watching his body seize uncontrollably and it took him awhile to recover from it.  I thought at one point he was going to die.  Then he slowly started to recover.

A part of me hopes that he will pass away peacefully in his sleep but the other part of me knows that I will likely have to make the decision to take him in and put him down.  I came really close tonight when he was labored in breathing.  He’s recovered a bit now though and just ate a hearty meal and seems to have a bit more pep in his step.  So maybe tonight is not the night.  Still in the back of my mind I know the time is not far off.  He has been there for me through one of the roughest parts of my life and I was really hoping he’d stick around to see me turn it all around.

It’s been a month since I last ate my Turkey burger from Carl’s Jr and dove into those french fries.  I’ve been eating nothing but plant based foods for a week and a half now.  No meat, no dairy, and no processed foods.  My metabolism has changed and my energy level has changed.  As I type this I am enjoying some lentil soup.  Lunch today was a salad, and breakfast was a whole grain cereal mix with fruit and topped with Almond milk.  The more I read and watch films on this the more I am convinced.  The food I was eating was making me sick and the foods I am starting to eat now will make me well.  My tastes are changing and my cravings are changing.  I pray this lasts.  Regardless of the challenges I will face along the way.

As I sit here tonight I have over 100 lbs to lose still.  The number seems daunting.  I have never in my life eaten healthy.  Even when I was at my lowest weight I ate crap all the time.  So this so much more then dropping pounds.  It is becoming a person I have never been and never knew how to to be.  The road ahead is scarey and exciting at the same time.  As my dog is slowly making his way out of this world, I feel as if I am finally coming in.

251.  The number has finally appeared on the scale two days in a row so I am claiming it!  I am craving healthy foods now and I can feel every muscle in my legs. So the combination of biking and eating right is working.  I have a LONG way to go but it is nice to see results, great results, in just a few weeks.  I think the best part is I feel in control again instead of my weight being out of control.

Eating healthy, specifically using plant based foods is quite a bit more expensive.  I have to shop more often because fresh fruits and veggies don’t last long.  The cost is worth it though.  The alternative would be a lot of doctor visits and pills, so I’d rather spend a few extra dollars on some bell peppers and asparagus.  Over the next few weeks I am going to try and develop a good set of recipes to use for meals and experiment as well with my own ideas.

Three weeks in and things are changing.  I cleaned out my cupboards, freezer, and refrigerator today.  Dumping out all the processed foods, dairy, and bad canned stuff.  I filled them up with veggies and fruit.  I’ve decided to aim towards having a whole grain plant based diet.  In the last week I’ve been slowly eliminating dairy and it’s been two weeks since I’ve had meat(well technically it was chicken).  I watched the documentary Forks Over Knives and it pretty much convinced me this was the way to go.

The great thing is I don’t really have to worry about calories when eating lots of fruits and veggies because most are nutrient rich and low in calories.  I have also noticed how they fill me up faster.  For instance tonight my two good friends came over and we had some vegetarian chili and a salad.  I am still stuffed!  This is definitely a new way of eating and it will take some time to get used to but I am loving it so far.  The challenge will be sticking to it long term and making sure I eat enough variety to get all the nutrients I need.

I’ve also created a workout path for my bike riding.  It is a 13.3 mile trek that takes about an hour.  I’d like to eventually do this 5-6 days a week.  Right now I’m doing it about 3-4.  I’m hoping to ride in the Long Beach Marathon in October, that is 26 miles. I should be about 40 lbs lighter by then if things go right!

Lets talk about food.  Over the last few years my view on food has changed.  It started a few years back when I watched Super Size Me.  One that I’m sure many have watched but I remember being exposed to something I had not thought a lot about in the past and that was how money influences food.  Spending 10 years working in management at a major corporation I learned first hand that money truely is power and that with enough it you can make your own rules and influence others to believe that what you are doing is right for everyone.  I also know that over the years doing my own research I was shocked to learn of the many things I had been told were true as a child in our school system that they simply were not.

In college I studied culture and its influence on how we live and I soon realized that many things that we come to believe to be true are cultural truths.  So it is no surprise that now in my mid 30′s I am realizing that my own culture including diet, health, wellness, and education have influenced much of my thoughts on food and diet.  It is only by reading varied sources on this topic and educating myself that my viewpoints on things are starting to change.  Our health industry is fueled by drug companies so it is no wonder that every answer to a medical problem is given in the form of a pill.

There is no doubt in my mind that if I were to visit a doctor today I would be told several things.  I would likely be put on medicine to lower my blood pressure and perhaps be told I have diabetes or pre-diabetes.  The level of body fat I am carrying now is so high that there is undoubtedly damage that has been done.  I don’t believe the answer for me is in a pill.  I believe that I have the power to change the outcome of my health by changing the way I eat and the way I approach life.  I don’t think my destiny is to sit in an office chair all day and although it is comfortable now I do think that it is not permanent.  This road I am starting down towards health and wellness may eventually lead to a career change, which scares the hell out of me now but may just be better for me in the end.

So when it comes to food I am doing several things.  First I am trying to eliminate fast foods entirely from my diet.  It’s been almost 3 weeks now and the last fast food trip was to Carls Jr for a turkey burger and fries.  I am also really trying to eliminate meat.  If I do eat it, I am using lean turkey, chicken, or fish.  I have been eating a lot of turkey sandwiches but I am hoping to transition to salads soon.  I am eating a lot more beans and seeds then before.  Avocados are now my downfall when it comes to fat but I’m allowing myself to eat at will.  The point of my diet, if you can call it that, is to simply retrain my body to crave good whole foods.  I eat oatmeal with nuts and fruits almost every morning aside from the weekends.  If I don’t have time to make it I go by Starbucks and pick it up.  Bean soup is a new favorite along with vegetable tacos/burritos.  You can follow my progress on my food diary because I am not 100% committed to this yet.  There are times I don’t stick to it but overall I am doing a much better job at eating then I was 3 weeks ago.

The weight is not melting off.  My scale has flucuated anywhere from 251 – 258 in the last few weeks.  I weigh myself a lot more out of curiosity then anything.  Weight can flucuate up to 5lbs a day.  I know at this point I’ve lost 5 lbs.  The scale for the last few days has stayed at 253.  I am hoping next week it will read 252.  My goal is to lose a lb a week.  I am hoping for weeks where I will lose more but again this is not a race, it took me 10 years to put this weight on so I don’t expect it to melt off in a few weeks or months.

Last Saturday, I day earlier then I had planned I headed to El Dorado park for my ride.  I went out and bought a spedometer for the bike and started experimenting with tracking apps on my phone.  For most of the ride I was hitting about 13 mph and I found the longer I rode the more energy I had.  On the way home I pushed myself even more and headed to City College.  This is amazing to me how far I’ve come compared to where I was when I started this whole thing.

On January 21 when I hopped on my bike and rode out headed to city college I had to stop right as I got into the park.  I walked over to a park bench and sat there breathing heavily and feeling light headed.  It was similar to how I felt when I had started walking again a few months earlier(something I did not keep up with).  I lay there on the bench thinking I would never be able to do this but I told myself I could.  I got up and I made a deal that I would ride to Woodruff and then turn around and come back.  When I hopped back on the bike I got a second wind.  Not only did I ride to Woodruff but I kept going all the way to City College.  The change had started.

Last night after work I headed to El Dorado again and this time I did two laps around the park and hit City College on the way back.  I am starting to push myself more and more.  My legs feel it everyday but it is a good feeling.  60 minutes on the bike and burning almost 1000 calories is awesome.  My goal now is to ride to Seal Beach by the end of the month which is about a 24 mi round trip ride.

I’ve managed to stick to the new diet as well.  There are a few days where I eat a bit much but I make myself eat good stuff if I’m going to go over.  Extra soup or cheese or something along those lines.  No more potatoe chips or fast food.  If I eat too many calories in a day it will be good calories.  I am actually starting to crave good foods now which is another good sign.

The last two days I’ve dealt with hunger pangs.  I think this is because I am actually eating too few calories in a day.  Sunday when they hit me I satisfied them with some chips & salsa.  Granted the chips weren’t the best but I am allowing myself to have these as they are not too bad for you.  Last night when they hit I answered with some celery and peanut butter.  When I get a sweet tooth which is not often but when it does come I grab some strawberries or if I need chocolate I’m eating dark chocolate pretzels from Sprouts.

Weight fluctuates up to 5 lbs a day so getting on the scale daily is not the greatest thing for this journey but at times I can’t resist.  I am marking my starting weight as 258 because that is the biggest number I saw on the scale.  Granted I could of weighed more but I never saw 260 so I am just going to stick with 258.   That is a 41.6 BMI which is morbidly obese.  A woman my height should weigh anywhere from 117-143lb.  To get to 143lbs I’d have to lose 115lbs.  My personal goal is to get to 150lbs, once I get there I will reevaluate.

I have decided to go public with this because I know that I am not alone in this struggle with weight.  I hope that by making this very personal journey public that I might touch one other person and inspire them to make a change as well.  I posted two pictures at the top of my blog today of myself.  I hope that at the end of this year I can post a picture of myself 50lbs light which will be the halfway point for me.  Here’s hoping I get there!

There are two tools I am using that you can also follow me on:  Sports Tracker and My Fitness Pal  The first will track my workouts on the bike and the 2nd will track my daily calories and exercise.  I am also using my Xbox 360 Kinect for strength training with Your Shape Fitness Evolved 2012 along with my membership to 24 hour fitness.

253.7.  5lbs seems huge for me.  Since Wednesday I’ve eaten right and exercised daily.  I am also keeping track of things on my phone app My Fitness Pal.  So things are headed in the right direction.  This is however only the beginning of the journey.

I read an article yesterday about a man who lost 350 pounds riding his bicycle.  I’ve decided that is what I want to do.  I’ve always loved my bike.  So now is the time to use something that I love to make my life better.

Wednesday I did two laps to city college.  Today I am going to go for El Dorado Park.  So this afternoon I will head out.  Soon I will start using my road bike as well.  I am excited about that.  When I hit 240 which is a 15 lb loss I will get on it and use it to drop the lbs.  This year on my birthday I’m going to do a 50 mile ride.  Not sure where or how but that will be how I celebrate turning 38.  I hope to be 50lbs lighter by then.

February 1, 2012

258.1  I am on my period this week and I am hoping the gain is due to that but at the same time I know this journey for me is going to have to be more about working out then it is about diet.  I’ve made some good changes when it comes to diet.  I’m eating more vegetables and fruit and avoiding fast food.  However, eating is not what got me to this weight.  Sure eating the wrong things did not help but what got me here was zero exercise.

I will not lose weight unless I lose the sedentary lifestyle.  Unfortunately I cannot do anything about it Mon – Friday at work.  Unlike UPS there is no opportunity for a workout at work because I sit in a cubicle.  So that means I will have to learn how to make up for that time on my butt by forcing myself to work out.

My goal for the rest of the week is this, ride every day.  No excuses, no days off, simply ride every day.  Sunday morning I will ride to El Dorado park.  Ride baby ride!

255.  Considering I did not stick to my healthy eating all week and did not work out everyday I am happy with 2lbs.  Slow & steady this will have to be.  If I lose 4 lbs a month that will be close to 50lbs in a year which is my goal.  I know the water weight will drop first but after that I will need to work harder and harder for each lb.

I’m off to a good start I just need to keep it going.

Sunday it rained and I did not ride my bike.  I got real lazy that day and didn’t even pack my lunch for Monday.  Monday it rained all day too.  I ate Carl’s Jr for lunch and had what I hope was my last French fries for a long time.  I did order a turkey burger, but still way to start changing your life by eating fast food again!

Tuesday & today have been much better.  I’ve packed my lunches.  Basically just eating a turkey sandwich and lots of fruits and veggies.  I rode both days down to city college and back and I feel myself getting more in shape.  I don’t have to stop I just keep going and I’m going faster.  I’m hoping to work myself up to riding the path twice soon and then eventually I’ll head to El Dorado park and just build myself up from there.  I’d like to get back to what I used to do as a kid which was ride down to the beach and back which is a 22 mile trek round trip.  If I could do that on the weekends and then do the circuits at El Dorado park I’d have a good workout routine.

I know that this can’t be a diet for me, this has to become routine.  So I am not forcing myself too much.  I want it to become a way of life and not just something I am doing to drop weight.  My goal this year is to lose 50 lbs. Which is very doable.  4lbs a month plus some water weight.  Heck I could do more but if I hit 50 I will then set another goal.  In a little over 2 years I should be able to get down to my goal weight of 150 -155lbs.  At that point I want to training for something challenging.  Perhaps a bike race for charity or get in one of those marathons with my brother.  That will be 2014 and I’ll be 39.  In 2015 I will be 40 and I hope that I can do something physically challenging on my 40^th.  I’d like to be in the best shape of my life and it will only happen if I keep pushing myself today.

For some reason I chose January 21, 2012 to officially mark the start of my new lifestyle.  I started keeping a journal that day and now three weeks later I am going to instead put my thoughts up on the internet because I think it is important to bring others in on my journey.  Even if not one single soul reads these entries they are here for all to see and in that way it holds me accountable to this journey I am now committed to.  So the following is what I wrote on that day three weeks ago:

“257 is not a number I thought I’d ever see on the scale yet last night I did.  I remember when I hit 220 and I thought wow I am getting big but you can never imagine at time that you’d just keep expanding.  I’ve been fat for as long as I can remember.  When I was young I was athletic and fat, sounds funny I know but it was true.  I worked out at one point 6 days a week and still was overweight.  My body just could not handle the type of food I was eating but it would take me twenty years to finally realize this.

The rest of my family never struggled with weight, yes they got a little chubby here and there but they could eat the same bad food and not blow up like I did.  When I was 16 my pediatrician told me I needed to lose weight because my blood pressure was too high.  He put me on a diet, well his version of one.  He assumed I just ate too much so he wanted me to drink a diet pepsi and eat a salad before every meal so I would not eat too much of the main entre, not sure where he got his medical license from.  He put me on a water pill as well, I shutter to think about the damage this could have done to me if I had stayed on it long term.

My problem is not that I eat a lot, in fact I never really have.  My Dad could do 2^nd or 3^rd helpings I was fine with 1 helping.  My problem has always been that my body does not do well with fatty/sugary foods which is all I grew up eating.  From Kool Aid, to MacDonalds, Spam, fried salmon, fried everything in fact, and the TV dinners it was all we ate.  My brother ate the same things as I did and didn’t work out as much yet never gained the weight like I did.  So I always grew up believing I was destined to be fat.  Big boned is what they liked to call it back then, but as I look back now it had nothing to do with my bones and everything to do with my diet.

In my 20’s I just simply continued on with what I had learned as a kid.  Processed foods and fast foods were the staple of my diet.  I got up to 200lbs at one point before I started working at UPS loading trucks.  Then due to the fact that I was working out for 5-6 hours a night at my job I dropped down to 155lbs, the thinnest I had been in my adult life.  Soon though I got promoted and the weight slowly crept back up.  My diet never really changed simply the lack of exercise and my body’s inability to process those foods.

I hit 220 in my early 30’s and at one point dropped down to 210 then it just went uphill from there.  Now at 37 the number is 257.  It’s probably been 8 years since I’ve seen a doctor and at that time I could not pass a driver cert due to my high blood pressure.  So I’m sure right now my blood pressure is too high and I am likely pre-diabetic.  I don’t feel bad.  Aside from headaches occasionally I have been relatively healthy but I know that I am like a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

I want to change I really do but it’s hard to believe that you can when all you’ve ever known is fat.  I don’t like to see myself in the mirror or in pictures.  I know I’m ugly, always have been always will be.  The only thing I have going for me is my brain but even that hurts me as I am too smart for my own good.  I pretty much hang out by myself 95% of the time.    So it’s rough when all you have is yourself.

One thing I have started doing over the last few years is eating better.  Granted I don’t eat great all the time but I certainly eat a lot better then I did when I was a kid.  I broke my addiction to sugar several years ago and aside from a few monthly cravings I usually drink & eat most things without sugar.  I’ve grown to like fresh vegetables and fruit, something I never really liked as a kid.  I’ve even taken to trying Suishi and other exotic foods.

When I turned 37 I decided that this would be the year I would change.  3 years until 40 and for some reason I wanted to start my 40’s well.  I knew that it would take 3 years to lose the weight and change my habits.  It’s taken me 21 days of this year to get started.  I started packing my lunches at work for the last two weeks instead of eating fast food.  I’ve started to make healthier dinner choices and I hope that I can stick to this.

The biggest obstacle will be exercise.  My job now I sit at a desk for 8 hours.  I go in at 7am and get off when it is almost dark.  Somehow I am going to have to squeeze in working out and working out a lot so I can drop pounds.

Today it was raining.  I waited until the rain stopped then hopped on my bike and rode down to city college.  It was hard.  I am out of shape.  I had to stop and rest and catch my breath.  I made myself do it though.  Now I just need to keep it up.  The only person I am accountable to is God and even He seems distant to me most days now.  I’d like to change that, I’d like to change me.  I just pray I have the will power to do it.